Simplicity in Being
Our first weekend together as fellows was restorative for me. I realized how important it is for my feet and hands to touch the ground. How gazing at the moon and sharing that connection with something so strong is cleansing. I also realized that all the things that I have noticed about myself over the years—tuning into my growth, culminated in my first Sourcepoint session. This year as things continue to come together I’ve named these alignments ‘clicks’. Something clicked that day and it wasn’t necessarily a click of like, ‘Yesss this feels great’, but more of a ‘Yes I finally have the answer for what this feeling of knocking on the door but no one answering is’. The answer—tune into myself more, tune into the messages I’m receiving from the ether and trust myself to listen and to do.
When I got home from being at Succurro that weekend in September, I sat on my bed and got to writing. My intention these days is to move with ease. This is what I wrote in my journal:
“I’ve been thinking about the simplicity in being. How I don’t need to overwork to see what I see, to assist my body. Trust involves just saying it. Just doing it. No need to strain to ‘make sure’ I’m seeing it right. My body will let me know if I need more assistance.”
So, in thinking on this, I thought about the parts of the body that really assist in charging our intuition. When I think about the whispers of wisdom that come from within I think about my gut, my spleen, the places within the abdomen that really light up for me when I am making decisions or having feelings about making decisions. In doing research and studying on this I found a lot of information that stated that people have a specific human design and that is how we can gauge why we feel or think the way we do—I don’t necessarily agree with this as I am the type of person who believes in change—so, human design can change. Something that may be dominant in us now may not be present in future times. I do think that it is nice to have a reference point for where we may be at any given point and time, but no one is completely the same throughout lifetime(s). We change daily. So, this learning to tune into my intuition without question has become a riding of the wave of trust.
For me trust = ease
Thinking on this, I decided to make a list of how ‘ease’ moves my senses. This walk of life is a sensual one for me and when invoking change (or invoking something deep within that has been longing to be uncovered), I think of my senses.
Silk flowing in the wind
Hands grazing each other; a voyeur of soft subtle touch
Seeing the wind’s impact—leaning of a tree, how one may move in any direction due to the wind’s push.
Manifestation of mutual energy transfer across cyberspace—gazing into another’s eyes through the screen and seeing the response that comes from that.
In-person eye contact. How easy it is to dive into each other when we take the time to see.
Observing body language and energy.
When senses are heightened, some can see the energy within a space—for me it looks like a web made of light—in dense places like the subway or city streets, this web is very thick.
Early morning bird calls
Buzz of an insect
The low hum of bass frequencies
Hearing myself talk about vulnerability and fear with folks close and dear to me.
Hearing myself talk about vulnerability and fear with a stranger.
Early morning sunlight on my face.
Fresh linens on the bed (that cool, crisp feel when you wrap yourself under the covers)
A hand placed on the back that carries loving energy.
Hands to ground.
Feet to ground.
Tear flowing down the face—release of pain.
The first moment where your feet meet the ocean water—a mutual greeting between two beings.
Back to tree trunk—the support and grounding power of sharing space with the earth.
Water first thing in the morning. Feeling it flow into the body.
Pink pepper—aromatic floral notes in vinaigrettes. The fullness and slight heat.
Dark chocolate—how the taste goes from bitter to sweet to salty in a matter of seconds.
Red wine—to taste the silky wood of the barrel, the bright fruitiness, subtle florals
Fresh wind as you ride down a country road.
Walking into a house that is being lived in—smelling every being who lives there, and possibly beings who have lived there previously.
Fresh baked bread— time for meal.
Lilacs after the rain
Soil from plants after they’ve been watered
My own scent—how it changes with the moon.
Vibration between bodies—noting what is felt when energy aligns and when it does not.
Walking past a tree and feeling a pull to listen to its story.
Listening to your plants—messages of growth, blockages, and love.
Whisper of directions from the body.
Presence of ancestors ( in what ways do they greet you)
electromagnetic waves present at all spaces and all times—sometimes being able to feel those vibrations as you move throughout space.
Gravity pull of the moon
Change in spirit when traveling (how you feel moving from one place to another)
To tune into the energy of a loved one, and feeling their presence with you.
Vibrations across species.
I made this list as a way to honor my process and trust it. The practice of trusting these feelings daily has allowed me to flow with my own body and trust my urges, needs, and desires. This trusting allows me to communicate honestly and in the moment. It has allowed me to see where and why fear may come in, why anger comes, why sadness may come, and why and how happiness and stillness and love come. Trust allows me to flow with my emotions without attaching to them. I simply become aware—and there is no need to question it, to doubt it. This trusting also allows me the space to forgive and show compassion with more ease. I am able to heal myself and maintain a state of relaxation when I am moving with trust. And for me the formula is quite simple—listening and then doing.
Speaking with a friend recently moved me to really tune into what it means, as a woman of color, as a Black woman, and as a queer person what it means to move with ease and what these obstacles around it can be. Acknowledging parts of myself that are marginalized is very important when thinking of my healing process, of the journey around it and to it, and what it means to maintain it. To honor all of the hardships is beautiful especially when making it a point to let go and surrender to trusting myself through the pain and through what I’ve been taught that ‘holds one back’. It takes that surrender, to let go of what I think I know and surrender to the unknown. In these last several weeks I have made it a point to do so very deliberately and I’ve been able to pinpoint where various pains come from when they manifest in my body. I can communicate about them with ease.
My father was diagnosed with cancer and I found out about it the Monday after our first meeting together as fellows. I watched my response to it all and I accepted the truth. Allowed my fear to state what it needed to—nurtured and reassured those fears, reached out to my community and have been feeling nurtured through it all. Pain manifested a couple of weeks ago in my neck. I knew it was because I was stressed and in pain with thinking about the mortality of my family—thinking about all the work that needs to be done, being fearful about not having time to do it all, to say everything I want to say. I am thankful that all of these things came up because I made note of them. I discussed so much with my father in these days and am happy to learn that he discussed so many of these things with his brothers and sisters. We have been able to really commune with each other and I am forever grateful. I thought a lot about my mom in this process and what it means to be a caregiver. I thought about the pain that came from her parents transitioning to the ether in the last four years—her father recently passing in December of 2018. I became fearful of what could happen if my father dies. My parents just got remarried. I began to feel so much and got lost in that and didn’t pay attention to how my parents are honoring this process. My mother trusting in the universe in the way she does—by religious practice. My father trusting in his practice as well and also trusting in connecting and sharing his story and journey with others. I realized my fear came from not really having closure for so many parts of the relationship with my parents not having closure. This allowed me to remember a conversation I had with a friend—who happens to be one of the fellows. We talked earlier in the year about conversations I haven’t had with my mother. About things that come up for me in dreams or in waking moments. She told me to speak on these things with my family. I remember having a conversation with my mom after that and how healing it was to talk with her. So I’m remembering that I have the capacity to really talk with my parents and be honest and raw with them. This is a huge part of maintaining the ease of being with myself. And it all starts with awareness and acknowledgement.
Another note that I made that sums up what this means when thinking about the responsibility I have to myself and the love and honor I have for collective connection and healing:
”Honor the ebb and flow of knowing what you need to heal and in turn allowing another to tune into that same channel to assist you”